Every now and then we need to take a step back, take a moment to collect our thoughts. To go over where we are and what we're doing, to basically review your performance in life in the past few days or weeks or months or years.
And I feel like I need to do this for myself because it allows me to notice whether I'm moving forward, backward, or if I'm just stuck. Either way I know where I'm at. And if I'm not where I feel that I should be, I become aware, and I am able to make the changes needed to get there.
I did this today, and I realized that I am stuck, and starting to move backwards. I need to make a plan right now to wake up tomorrow and get back in track. And sometimes that just means just taking that first step. The rest will show itself along the way. Every moment is very powerful. We just have to choose which ones we want to hold on to. And let go of the ones that we don't.
Take a moment for yourself. Review your life. Hold no resentment, just be aware, and move forward. As long as your moving forward you will never fall back.
My Darkest Hour
Every day and every night I struggle with this awful fight between what is wrong and what is right I'm hoping soon to see the light. The darkness I feel taking over of my soul is trying hard to play it's role, to completely consume me and turn me cold, to give up on the goodness I've been trying to hold. It's beating me down, it's making me weak, it's taking away the power I've tried so hard to keep. I'm getting scared, I'm not feeling well, I literally feel like I'm stuck in hell. There are burning fires and constant screams that I hear all day and night in my head, in my dreams. Something isn't right, there is a hole in my heart, I need to fill it with light before the whole thing turns dark. I feel angry all the time and I'm ready to snap, and if I let that happen it's gonna be a wrap. I won't come back this time, I know I'll be lost, in a horrible place at a terrible cost. Please god if your out there I need to see a sign, I need help fighting this darkness and not let it cross a line. Because once that line is crossed I know I can't turn back, and there are people I love that need me and I can't have my heart turn black. Send me an angel, send me a friend, someone that can be here with me so my life doesn't end. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want this pain, I'm begging you, please.. give me the strength to change. Give me the power to fight back, the courage to grow. Help me find the light, and make the darkness go.
Everything is better when the sun is shining.
I'm not sure if it's just me, but I seem to be in a much better mood when the sun is out. Even if it's raining, as long as the sun is shining, im smiling. I've learned to...basically "study" myself.
I try to evaluate my every day life and figure out what makes me happy. I try to learn more and more about ME every single day. So far, I know that I am much happier when the sun is shining.
The reason I do this is because sometimes just when everything seems to be going well, when nothing seems to be wrong, that's when I am the most vulnerable. And I let my guard down a little bit. And when something bad happens, it feels so much worse, because I was finally happy.
Now I am starting to realize what makes me upset or angry, or just in a bad spot in my head. And the more I learn about myself, the better prepared I am to deal with the darker days.
I don't have it totally down yet, but i can tell you that on my dark days, all i need to do is find a little sunlight to help get me through. Whether is be good friends, my family, or good music, I find a way to create happiness in my life that day.
We are our worst enemies. We need to know how to defend ourselves against...ourselves.
I HAVEN'T HAD TO SKIP A SINGLE SONG ON PANDORA IN OVER AN HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is beautiful<3
-Dirty Heads Radio. Listen to it.
Every day of your life should be THE BEST DAY of your life.
We are never promised tomorrow.
One of my favorite movies is Office Space. I love it because it reminds me of my life. And the way the world is now. There is one part in the movie where someone says something like, "Every day of my life is worse than the one before, so basically every day when I wake up, it's the worst day of my life." And I just thought it was really funny because I've definitely felt that way many times before,
Today I choose to view my life differently. I choose to view the world differently. There are many people in this world today that will never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough for them. When I start being a baby and feeling sorry for myself today I decide to take a minute and look at my life and all the amazing things that I do have, rather then feel bad for myself about the things I don't have.
Everyone has things in their life that aren't the greatest. Some people go through things far worse than others. No one has a perfect life, no matter how good they are at pretending that they do. There is not one person that doesn't have personal things that they have to deal with on a daily basis. Even if they're not things on the outside, the "material things" that people can actually see. Some people struggle in a different way. They have a constant battle within themselves, every single moment of every single day. Where every decision they make is a struggle, because they're so afraid of making the wrong one. They're afraid more of themselves than anyone else. They don't care so much what people think about them, but how they view themselves. How you feel inside is how you feel that everyone else views you.
I am one of the people that I just described. It's not that I can't make a decision. It's not that I don't know right from wrong. It's because my past has shown me that every single decision I made in life has brought me to where I am today. People are always telling me to stop being so serious. They tell me to relax, and to just let go a little bit. They say things like, "everything will work out the way it was meant to," or, "it's not the end of the world."
My life is VERY serious to me. And it very well might be the end of the world, for me, if I make a wrong decision. However, in a way, they have a point. I forget sometimes to enjoy my life. I spend so much time trying to make everything in my life perfect and organized, that I forget that I need to smile once in a while. And people always think that I'm miserable, because a lot of the time that's how I look. I'm not miserable. Honestly, I'm just scared. My anxiety over the years has grown far worse than it's ever been. I think every single person that looks at me or talks to me is judging me. Judging me on every move I make, every action that I take and every reaction I have. It's made me paranoid, and it's made me kind of a loner. Most of the time I would rather sit in my room by myself then go out in public where I have can't be myself and have a fear that someone who has no relevance in my life, someone I will probably never even see again, might judge me in some way. They might think I'm weird, or I'm too happy, or that I am too sad,
Today I'm different. I've grown a lot stronger. And it took a long time, but I'm almost there. Because I have spent so much time alone, I was able to find myself. I learned to love myself, and that who I am is someone amazing. I'm a good person, a good friend, a good daughter, cousin, sister, niece, mother (to my beautiful puppy dog Bailey Rose), I'm a good roommate, a good worker, a good student, a good girlfriend, a good mentor. There is so much more that I am good at. So with all of that being said, why do I have so much anxiety about people not liking me, or not being good enough at something?
I'm working on every single thing in my life being so excited. And I start by telling myself every morning when I wake up, "Good morning Laura, today is going to be the best day of your life." I pick three things every day that I want to work on for that day. For example, I tell myself to remember to smile, because I am a beautiful person and there is no reason that I shouldn't be smiling every single moment. I tell myself to be a little more excited, have a little more enthusiasm. I tell myself to keep my head up, and to always make sure I'm looking forward. And there is so much more.
Today I'm working on being extra excited and happy. Everything I do today, I'm going to be overly excited about. This morning I went to wawa and I had a fifty dollar bill, and some change in my wallet. I went to buy a coffee. And I really didn't want to break the fifty for a cup of coffee that cost $1.07. Wouldn't you know I had EXACTLY $1.07 in my wallet. It was beautiful. I was SOOOOO EXCITEDDD. Every one was looking at me weird, you would have thought I had just won the lottery or something. That's how happy I was. It's the little things in life for me. So, TRY IT! It's a pretty good time.
I wanted to share this video because this is probably what I looked like this morning. I want to be as excited as this little girl every single day. And I think everyone should try to find a little more excitement in their lives. Especially if your someone like me. Everyone can smile if they want to, no matter how terrible their life may seem to them. Remember there are always people going through something worse then you. Remember there are many people who didn't wake up today. Find something to smile about, it will be okay, if you want it to.
And if you can't find something today to make you smile, just watch this video real quick, I promise you will laugh. Laughing is good for the soul.
I found this video on Facebook and I wanted to share it with you because it touched my soul. It's a young boy explaining how he was made fun of for wearing shoes that weren't the "cool" shoes to wear. But he didn't care because he liked his shoes. It really blew my mind.
When I was younger I wore VANS slip on shoes every day. I owned every color and every style you could think of, and I didn't care what everyone else was wearing because that's what I liked. That's what I thought was cool. I thought it was really corny that all these girls wore skater shoes, or converse high tops, and they knew nothing about skating or punk/ska music. They just wore them because everyone else did. I never wanted to be fake. And I wasn't going to wear something I didn't like just because that's what the "cool kids" wore. I wore VANS and jeans and band tees every day.
Anyway check out this video...
Becoming one with yourself...
Once you become one with yourself, no matter where you are, what you do, or who your with, you will never be alone.
No one will ever love you as much as you can love yourself. It took me a very long time to get to where I am right now. I never really loved myself. I've been doing some serious SOUL SEARCHING.. it usually happens for me around this time every year. I'm not sure if it's because my birthday is this month, but i don't question it anymore. Every year right before i turn another year older, I have a huge epiphany. I think about the past year of my life and i try to sort it out. I try to figure out what I did, who i was with, and who I wasn't. And then I look at all of the decisions I made the past year, and try to sort out the good from the bad.
I choose today to live my life with no regrets. I believe every decision we make is for a reason, even the ones that maybe caused us pain, or suffering. But I try to focus now one the ones that brought me peace and happiness. This year has been no less hectic for me than the past few years. I honestly can't even believe the amount of change that took place in my life this past year. It's insane really.. but once again it all made me stronger, more focused, and more experienced with the reality of life. The reality of change.